Today’s two minutes of hate: Outrages of the week, so far.

I need to stretch out the blogging muscles again, so I thought, rather then just spew some commentary, I’d post a few links to a couple of things that will really anger and outrage the average, tax-paying American. The spewing will begin in earnest later on.

  • Hmmm, here’s an interesting ad. A man wants to kill someone, cook them, and eat them. I’m sure this is some kind of joke, but I’ll contact him anyway. I have nothing better to do. Yikes.
  • I’m not a death penalty guy, but I wonder if there’s a SEAL team that’s not too busy. We need to save the taxpayers some money and have the two cretins in this story put down like the dogs they are. Right in the eyes, fellas.
  • Once again, “zero tolerance” gets taken way too far. I wonder why the bags were searched. Did someone rat on these kids?
  • Boy likes girl. Boy wants to ask girl to prom. Boy comes up with clever way to ask. Boy now banned from prom. Yes, this is freaking pathetic, more “zero tolerance” crap.

The two minutes of hate is now over. Get back to work.

Make calls? Who makes calls anymore?

If you’re a closet Luddite who can’t stand watching people like me showing off every feature of our brilliantly-conceived smart phones, and if all you want to do is make a call, then you need one of these.

Imagine: no texting, no web, no tweets, no mobile Facebook, no email…just calls. One ringtone. The dialer screen is apparently an LCD on the top edge of the device. You can store exactly ten phone numbers in memory (one for each digit on the dial pad). If you run out of room or need to remember a number, you can open the back and write a number down using the included pad and pen. Comes in an array of colors, too.

Just think. You’ll be the only one in your town who can actually walk down the street while looking where you’re going.

What’s next? Phones mounted to boxes on the street for making calls with coins?

What the TV killer really wanted.

You can’t fool me.

The guy who shot up his TV and held an eleven-hour standoff with police wasn’t angry about Bristol Palin performing on Dancing With The Stars.

Hell, a flick of the remote would have solved that problem.

No, I’m pretty sure he just wanted to buy a new flat screen set and his cheapskate wife wouldn’t let him spend the money. Hey, what better way to step forward technologically than to blast the old away in a shower of buckshot and sparks? Pointing the shotgun at his wife and the eleven-hour standoff with the cops was probably a little over the top. But, hey, you can’t fault dude for trying, right?

I smell a 48-incher on the way!

Jaguar Mike Thomas makes the catch on Tecmo!

This is awesome. The Tecmo version of version of David Garrard’s pass and Mike Thomas’s winning touchdown catch, with Gus Johnsons’s call.

Hat tip to Lance Zierlein.

In case you missed the real thing…

American Exceptionalism On Display: Cody Alicea

I can’t say anything more about this, since most of you know the story of Cody Alicea from California and his dignified fight to fly the American flag on his bicycle.

I wish I could embed this video, but the provider turned it off, so click the link and watch it. Listen to this kid; he’s amazing:

Cody Rides with Company

Here’s an extended video taken after the ride’s arrival at the school:

Soledad O’Brien can’t get a break.

I’ve only seen her a few times, but Soledad O’Brien seems like a very nice woman, very capable in her position as an anchor on CNN. Based on her bio, her dad is Australian-Irish and her mom is Afro-Cuban, which makes her black. That parental combination makes Soledad O’Brien a racial mix that includes black. Just like the child of any other racially-mixed marriage.

Except if you’re Jesse Jackson, apparently. According to Jesse, being only partially of black heritage and having lighter skin than many black people means “you don’t count.” I’m trying to imagine the earthquake that would follow if a white person said that to Ms. O’Brien. Even worse, a conservative white person.

In the end, however, I don’t suppose it really matters what Jackson said that upset Ms. O’Brien so greatly. Because after some investigation, I’ve learned that, in spite of her African heritage, Soledad O’Brien is actually a racist!. And it must be true, because the accuser is a liberal white guy who writes on a “Democratic” website not “controlled” by the Democrats.

Yeah. right.

Incidentally, I noticed an interesting factoid about Ms. O’Brien’s parents. In 1958 (a mere 52 years ago), they had to get married in Washington, D.C. because in nearby Maryland, where they legally resided, interracial marriage was against the law. On that alone, I think Ms. O’Brien “counts”, Jesse.

(Updated and corrected 11/12/2010)

Who cares about Olbermann?

The recent dust-up about Keith Olbermann’s unsurprising political contributions, his “suspension” and return to MSNBC had the political blog world in a major tizzy for the past week. I follow a handful of pretty big conservative-based sites on Twitter. From last Thursday through this Tuesday, half the stories I saw posted were about this guy. Yes, exactly, just like this one.

Culturally, we reached the meta media point, where the media topic is the media itself. There is a place for sites like Media Research Center and even Media Matters, because they focus on the content of reported news without actually being a part of CNN, MSNBC or Fox News.

The new media world has now produces programming on their own networks where the primary topic is…themselves. Perhaps they unused air time to fill up. I’d rather see them sell that time to ShamWow pitchmen and get-rich-quick-in-real-estate schemes and actually make some profit. Then I can change the channel without wondering how hard the guests are going to pat themselves on the back during Reliable Sources.

What I fail to understand is why Olbermann even matters. Even Pat Sajak, who’s still in shock over the one-letter-nailed-it girl on Wheel Of Fortune, is jumping on this Olbermann bandwagon. At least Pat’s owning up to his culpability in Olbermann’s actual employment. But in the end, does any of this really matter? I insist it won’t due to one single, unmitigated, uncontroversial fact…read this slowly and carefully folks:

Hardly anyone watches Keith Olbermann’s show. Hardly anyone watches anything on MSNBC.

You can verify this yourself. Just Google “cable news ratings,” and you will receive links to a bunch of pages that track the popularity of the cable news outlets and their individual shows. The late night reruns of O’Reilly, Hannity and Van Susteren get far bigger audiences than Keith does in prime time. I believe Greg Gutfeld’s Red Eye, which appears on Fox News Network at 3:00 AM, has a bigger audience. And while both shows spend a lot of time skewering politicians and the culture, Gutfeld and his guests use humor, which is why people actually stay up to watch it or go out of their way to record it. Can anyone say that Keith Olbermann finds humor in anything anymore?

Personally, I had no issue with Olbermann’s personal, private, using-his-own-money donations to whichever left-wing candidate he chose to support. That’s as much his private business and his right as is my choice to smoke cigars in my backyard, or some other guy’s choice to borrow money from a payday loan shop at confiscatory interest rates or buy his kid a Happy Meal in San Francisco.

But the focus this is getting? Come on, people. Move along now. There’s nothing to see here.

Mo Tucker’s new underground.

Every so often, an event occurs on the political scene that shocks many while causing others to smile. I’m smiling about this one.

In the mid-1960s and into the early 1970s, no band was more misunderstood than the Velvet Underground. Lour Reed, John Cale, Sterling Morrison, Nico and Maureen “Mo” Tucker created music that was challenging, irritating, at times ethereal and beautiful and at other times dangerous and ugly (frequently in the same compositions). The Velvet’s influence on rock music, especially the punk movement that followed them, still resonates today.

I’m certain most of you reading this have a view of rock musicians as mostly political leftists, loudly supporting every whacked-out progressive cause that comes down the pike, and you would be correct. So imagine the shock waves in the music world when this video clip appeared on YouTube some weeks ago. Wait for it…it happens about 2:40 into the clip, right near the end:

That’s none other than Mo Tucker, former drummer for one of history’s most anarchistic bands, speaking about her support for the Tea Party Movement.

What’s interesting is that this news report was broadcast in April 2009, about the time the Tea Party rallies were beginning in earnest around the nation. Tucker, who’s done some very un-radical things like working for Wal-Mart and helping to raise her grandchildren, seems comfortable in this setting, among the ordinary people of her community. She’s apparently as sick of the Obama Administration and its radical shift to the left as those of us on the traditional conservative side and she’s not afraid to express her opinions, her rock-and-roll “street cred” notwithstanding. Consider this: Tucker was pretty much at the front of this movement, not jumping on the bandwagon along the way.

Tucker certainly isn’t the only rock musician who’s spoken out about these issues, but the ones we know about, like the Ted Nugents of the world, generally live a conservative live they’ve led for many years. Tucker’s appearance came out of the blue and has stunned many supporters into ranting at her alleged “traitor” status, as though whatever movement they support is the same thing she’s supposed to support.

Tucker agreed to an interview with a St. Louis alternative newsweekly in which she clears the air on her beliefs in a frank and uncensored way. The best quote in the story comes when she expresses her dismay at people who attack her for her beliefs:

What are your feelings about the online reactions? Many people seem upset or outraged.

I’m stunned that so many people who call themselves liberal yet are completely intolerant. I thought liberals loved everyone: the poor, the immigrant, the gays, the handicapped, the minorities, dogs, cats, all eye colors, all hair colors! Peace, love, bull! Curious they have no tolerance whatsoever for anyone who doesn’t think exactly as they do. You disagree and you’re immediately called a fool, a Nazi, a racist. That’s pretty f’d up!! I would never judge someone based on their political views. Their honesty, integrity, kindness to others, generosity? Yes. Politics? No!

Whatever Tucker believes politically, I’m happy to see that she unafraid to express what she believes without worrying about the consequences of distressing the rest of the music industry or her friends. Tucker’s history with the Velvets and other bands certainly gives her legendary status. But legends, just like the rest of us, sometimes live “ordinary” lives working and taking care of family. That’s all the “street cred” she needs for me.

Mo, lots of us are sticking with you. Now sing it.

Jaguars – Titans on MNF: They are what they are.

I think the biggest disappointment in last night’s nationally-televised 30-3 shellacking of the Jaguars by the Tennessee Titans wasn’t just that Jacksonville lost the game. Look, anyone in their right mind knew that this was a potentially even match-up on paper. NFL games, however, don’t get played on paper, and you’d have to be delusional to think that this year’s Jaguars are as good as this year’s Titans.

Nevertheless, I’m certain the 60,000+ who showed up for the game certainly couldn’t help thinking this would, at the worst, be a competitive football game. Hell, we beat the defending AFC Champion Colts at home two weeks ago. Last week, we dominated a bad Buffalo team on the road, in spite of three turnovers. Why couldn’t the Jaguars be competitive in a crucial divisional game?

Whatever the reasons, they weren’t competitive at all. I could list a litany of excuses for their poor showing, but it pretty much boils down to a couple of simple things: four turnovers, not protecting the quarterback, and getting torched by the opponent’s passing game again. The really unfortunate thing is that this is pretty much the way it’s going to be for the rest of the season (hopefully, without the turnovers), because the Jaguars’ talent woes aren’t going to get fixed this week, next week or even after the season is over. Not immediately, anyway.

The real shame of last night was the disappointment felt by the fans, which I felt myself and saw first-hand at the stadium. The night was picture perfect: great weather, an excited crowd, lots of pregame festivities, and the thrill of being on a national stage on Monday Night Football. Jacksonville has struggled in the last couple of years with ticket sales in a lousy economy, blackouts, apathy from many so-called fans and the perspective that the rest of the country and the sports media don’t respect our sleepy little city with the NFL team on the river. This was a chance, win or lose, to put on a great show for the rest of the football-watching nation.

So when the Jaguars allowed the Titans to drive down field on their first possession (after they deferred to the second half on the coin toss), you could hear the air go out of the building. This from a boisterous crown that just a few moments stood as one and sang the National Anthem with great pride.

Things didn’t get much better after that. Titans quarterback Vince Young was knocked out of the game with a knee injury, so backup Kerry Collins, who must be close to 40 himself, entered the game and proceeded to dink and dunk the Jaguars’ defense to death. His longest pass was 20 yards.

On the other side, it was truly ugly. David Garrard suffered a concussion after a nasty hit with 7:00 to go in the second quarter and was replaced by recently-signed Trent Edwards. This substitution didn’t work out as well; Edwards was picked twice, couldn’t get the offense into the end zone and finished with a QB rating of about 40. This compared to Collins’ 108 rating.

In spite of their pass defense woes, the Jaguars’ defense held up pretty well against running back Chris Johnson, at least until late in the 3rd quarter. At that point, the defense appeared to be pretty gassed and Johnson finished the night with over 100 yards rushing, a couple of nice catches, and a final-drive rushing touchdown.

Kelly and I couldn’t help but feel the disappointment as we left the stadium, not so much for the loss but for the beating they took in front of the country. People in Jacksonville complain that the Jaguars get no respect from the media. Respect is overrated, but you earn it in the NFL by winning. Not getting your brains beat out by the opponent’s backup quarterback on national television.

Since I’m a glass half-full guy, I always hold out hope that things can get better. Garrard will hopefully be back on Sunday against the Kansas City Chiefs, and maybe the “good” quarterback will be there instead of the inconsistent one. Over time, hopefully, the young players on this team will figure things out, especially on defense, and at least give themselves a chance to be competitive. I hope.

But I see the possibility of some changes next year. Everyone who follows this team knows what they are, and some of them are going to take time to blossom. I just hope this town has the patience to stick with them.

Me? I still had a great time last night. This glass will always be half-full for me. Getting to a championship might take a long time for this team, but I don’t care. When it happens, it will be that much sweeter. Go Jaguars.

I won’t debate. I will pout. I’m a liberal.

Nothing warms my heart as much as watching someone from the “other” side (or someone I truly despise, which is frequently the same thing) have a whining, pouting, pooped-in-my-diaper meltdown. The video below is all over the ‘Net, but if you missed it, it’s a great four-plus minutes of television. Now, as a disclaimer, I’m not a big fan of Bill O’Reilly. I agree with some of his political and cultural opinions, and I admire how he’s risen from a local news guy to host one of the most popular opinion shows on American television. I find his approach, however, a bit off-putting and I rarely watch his program. Then again, I rarely watch any of the news opinion shows anyway, even those with hosts I like.

Nevertheless, watch and be amazed:

This video is demonstrative of the liberal method of dealing with the opposition. First of all, I know Bill likes a challenge, but what was he thinking going on this show in the first place? No matter who you are, you can barely get a word in edgewise with this bunch. I kid my daughter when she and all her college roommates get together for a weekend at our place. Six girls all try to talk at the same time…and yet they all know what everyone is saying. What makes the women on The View different is that it’s all shrieking, one trying to out-shout the other…except, of course, the lone conservative, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who gets drowned out no matter what she says.

So we see and hear O’Reilly make a legitimate point about Islamic terrorists and the issue of the Park51 project. Rather than engage the man in a debate on the merits of his opinion (or their own), the two biggest mouthed (and politically infantile) members of the cast jump up and walk out in some kind of protest against whatever it was that O’Reilly said. They eventually return because, as Behar claims, O’Reilly “apologized” (which I don’t think he did; he simply couched is opinion in different terms). If I saw her and Goldberg walking back to the set, I would have asked them to leave again, since I would have no tolerance for such childish stunts. But, Bill’s a gentleman, so he held his tongue.

The part of the clip that killed me was Walters’ little lecture to the audience after Goldberg and Behar walked off. She was right about one thing: this isn’t the the way we’re supposed to debate or discuss an issue upon which we disagree, and she properly chided her panel members for their actions.

But Barb, who’s responsible for this daily train wreck you call a “panel discussion show”? You’re the executive producer; do something about it. Hire some co-hosts with some intelligence and manners, and maybe the tone of the discourse will turn to constructive and away from the cry-baby antics we see in this clip. Here’s a thought: why don’t you even things up and swap Goldberg and Behar for a couple of conservative or libertarian women to balance the load a little. Not only would it give poor Liz a little more comfort on the set, but you might actually teach your audience that there actually is more than one side to an issue.

You know, I don’t recall Hasselbeck pouting and storming off in a huff last July when Obama made his appearance. During that freaking love fest, even Liz was chuckling at Barry’s jokes. Granted, Bill O’Reilly isn’t Barak Obama, and I doubt Bill can make the masses swoon the way the Prez does (or did, anyway). I suppose I also can’t expect that show to have any balance.

After all, many of the women who are in its alleged target audience are probably doing more important things than sitting around watching a bunch of shrieking has-beens.

Like working.

Does anyone really care about Rick Sanchez?

Rick Sanchez, a former CNN anchor, made some apparently disparaging remarks about John Stewart and Jews in general during a radio interview about 10 days ago. For this, he was summarily sacked by CNN. Sanchez has since expressed regret for his comments, along with a desire to return to CNN. They’re not calling, and neither are any of the other extremely-unpopular cable news outlets. He has also apologized directly to Stewart, who I’m sure is having a good laugh over all this.

The media coverage of this dust-up continues today, with stories and video clips and interviews of this clown all over the freaking web.

Could someone answer one simple question for me?

Who gives a shit about Rick Sanchez?

Here’s what’s happening in the world right now:

I did a little research on Mr. Sanchez’s CNN show in the days before his sacking. Go to this page, which shows ratings and analysis for the cable news outlets for the end of September. Look at the “Scoreboard” entries for the weekdays. Mr. Sanchez’s show is barely a ratings blip on most days. In fact, reruns of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity on Fox, between 11:00 PM and 1:00 AM, draw three or four times the number of viewers that Mr. Sanchez did during his 8:00 PM prime time slot. Reruns.

No one watched this guy. Nothing at CNN is going to get any better now that he’s gone. Sanchez is probably more famous since he made these remarks than in all the time he was on the air. For Christ’s sake, Elliot Spitzer has a show on CNN now. How bad can it be when you get sacked for some stupid comments, while the same network is hiring a philandering former john who had to resign as the governor of one of the most populated states in America?

By the way, based on the early numbers, no one is watching Spitzer and his pseudo-conservative hostess either. No one give a shit.

Right, Rick?

The definition of delusional.

I wonder if the definition of “delusional” is similar to the definition of “insanity.” In the “delusional” case, it would be hearing the same bad news over and over again, while continuing to hang on to the delusion that things are going to turn out all right.

Such as in the case of Tim Kaine, former governor of Virginia and the current chairman of the Democratic National Committee. I don’t know, Tim, I’m looking at poll after poll that show that your guys are headed for a pretty bad night on November 2. Depending on who you believe, it could be anything from a severe spanking to a downright political bloodbath.

Yet, you remain the eternal optimist:

The former Virginia governor says generic and race-to-race polls since Labor Day “have been moving pretty dramatically in Democrats’ favor.” And he adds that some tension within the party is the result of Democrats doing the “heavy lifting” on policy changes.

Sure. Moving pretty well. Perhaps the margins of defeat have narrowed just a point or two here or there, and I suppose that’s in your candidates’ favor. But I would avoid calling an unwanted health plan, cap-and-trade, higher taxes and all the other legislative boondoggles your guys have pushed as “heavy lifting.”

“Dead weight” is more like it. The kind of dead weight that’s dragging down your campaigns, because it’s the kind of dead weight your side as dumped on an unsuspecting electorate.

But, don’t listen to me! I’m not counting any chickens yet. Stay optimistic! Your going to need the practice when you try spinning it all on November 3.

Back to politics.

Well, I simply can’t sit idly by and allow the juiciest political battles of the modern era pass by without comment. Folks like me who live on the conservative side have been waiting years for a November like the one coming. Forget about the Reagan landslides, or the 1994 “Contract With America” congressional upheaval. Those events were child’s play next to what I expect in a couple of weeks.

I’ll be tossing some stuff out here as I see fit and have time. Please don’t hesitate to visit or comment.

Phoning it in. Either that, or hell actually has frozen over.

The planets aligned on the Fox News website this morning. Usually, the site is pretty pithy with its headlines. But, you simply can’t avoid the “Duh!” reaction you will have when you read these two beauties:

Gov’t Checkup: Health Care Costs Rise Under Obama Overhaul

After you’re done shaking your head and muttering “Really? You think?” to that one, they top it with this smaller one further down the page:

Fidel Castro: Cuba’s Communism Not Working

Holy shit! Has anyone informed Danny Glover, Sean Penn or Hugo Chevez? Or Oliver Stone? Or Harry Belafonte?

Wow. This is even bigger than Snooki getting fined for being “criminally annoying.” Especially since they should have done that to the cast and creators of her “show” five minutes after it went on the air.

You know, like “the great man” should have figured out that communism didn’t work five minutes after he took over.

Everyone in Gainesville will be too drunk to notice.

The only reason…the only reason…that the Reverend Terry Jones’ plan to burn a bunch of Korans (or Qurans, or however you spell it) on Saturday in Gainesville is even a blip on the news radar is because…you ready?…the news media is creating the mountain out of this molehill.

Here’s the thing, folks: there are going to be more people standing around with beers in their hands at a single Gator tailgate over at the Swamp then the Reverend Jones will ever have in his little church again. In fact, I’m guessing that the media will likely outnumber the congregants and supporters who actually attend this event. You know why? Because the Florida Gators football team will be running the University of South Florida Bulls up and down the field on Saturday, and the fourth quarter will be starting right about the time the Koran/Quran bonfire begins.

The media, the military and the Secretary of State don’t have as big a cow when some dickwad in some foreign country torches an American flag, do they? No, because there’s a big difference between Americans and the dickwads in other countries (and you dickwads know who you are). We don’t care what other countries do; if they don’t like us, big effing deal. Our lives go on and we focus on what’s important, what’s right in front of us, and we don’t get our panties in a twist because some radical shit pile of America-haters are pumping their fists in the air and torching American flags and effigies of Bush. (Bush was an infamous effigy model. I haven’t seen any Obama effigies yet).

You see, we can handle protests by people who don’t like us. We get angry, we frequently speak out, we might even say some nasty things about the protesters, but we say what we have to and move on. We do this because, in spite of the current administrations attempts to turn us into (insert name of dumpy destitute country here), we have it pretty good here in the ol’ U.S.A.

I understand the potential danger to American servicemen and women that may follow this “protest,” but I believe that most of those folks know that what they fight for is the right to be able to protest, no matter where you live in the world. Especially in the United States. Lots of American blood has been spilled for that right to be preserved.

Besides, would not burning the books really change the way the insulted or angry feel about us? I recall watching the incredible Inside 9/11 series on National Geographic Channel this weekend. I have seen it a few times before, and I’m always struck by one particular quote from Osama Bin Laden, stated during an interview with a Pakistani reporter after the September 11 attacks. He made it pretty simple:

We love death. The US loves life. That is the difference between us two.

So, based on this philosophy, one which I’m certain is shared by the majority of al-Qaida, I doubt the protests of a tiny, Christian fundamentalist church in Gainesville, Florida is going to amount to much in the big picture of the Global War on Terror. They love death (even though a surprising number of them, like bin Laden, are still alive). Their thirst for the blood of the “infidels” would be un-quenched even if we never said a peep about them.

As for the Secretary of State, well, I always take what Mrs. Rodham says with a grain of salt, since I’m still not convinced she isn’t politicking in some way.

Let’s all remember one important thing. The Reverend Jones’ protest takes place on Saturday, September 11. This will be the ninth anniversary of the attacks on our nation. Nine years ago, some men who don’t like us held they’re own little “protest.” Using a radicalized interpretation of their alleged “peaceful” religion as an excuse, their “protest” against us consisted of stealing four heavily-fueled commercial aircraft, which they proceeded to crash into buildings and a Pennsylvania field, killing themselves and nearly 3000 Americans in the process. Their “protest” against whatever evils they saw in our nation and our culture resulted in the murders of thousands of innocent people of all ages, religions, nationalities and beliefs. Their “protest” changed our lives forever.

I’m guessing that the only casualties of the Reverend Jones’ protest are going to be a few copies of a book that can be purchased anyplace.

Maybe the insulted minions around the world should follow the lead of a few thousand people who will also be in Gainesville that day, watching football and throwing back a few cold ones.

Hello, kettle. You’re black. Love, Pot.

If I hadn’t see the headline on Drudge with my own eyes, I would have thought this was from The Onion:

Fidel to Ahmadinejad: ‘Stop Slandering the Jews’…

The headline links to a butt-kissing Atlantic article by Jeffrey Goldberg in which, after he gets his “glimpse of the great man” (his words, folks), Castro addresses the plight of the world’s Jews.

Briefly, the “great man” addresses Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran (probably another “great man” if we give Goldberg enough leeway), chiding him for his anti-Semitic attitudes, especially in regards to Ahmadinejad’s claims that the Holocaust was a hoax.

Anyway, the article is pretty much a laugh riot. Especially the part when Goldberg non-chalantly mentions that “the great man” spoke for five hours…on the first day of the three-day interview.

Humberto Fontova has his brief but pithy say over at BabalĂș. He also points out that “the great man” isn’t necessarily the pro-Israelite he claims to be. Humberto, sorry my headline was kind of like yours.

Apple’s “We’re Gonna Creep You Out On Your IPhone” Patent

Back in 1984, the upstart Apple Computer revealed a ground-breaking television commercial during the broadcast of Super Bowl XVIII, the infamous “Big Brother” ad that announced the introduction of the Macintosh Computer:

Note the words used as the tagline:

And you’ll see why 1984 won’t be like 1984.

Apparently, Apple has decided to wait until 2010 to make it seem like 1984. In a recent patent application, Apple describes a set of features and functions they plan to develop for some of their devices, with the focus apparently on the iPhone. If you take a few minutes to read this application, you’ll begin to realize that Apple is planning on creating a real Orwellian world among its iPhone users, all in the name of protecting the device from unauthorized use.

First of all, let’s get something straight about cell phone security. Assume for the moment that you own a typical GSM-based cellular device (I’m sure the world of CDMA phones and ESNs is similar). All GSM cellular devices can be uniquely identified by the International Mobile Equipment Identity (IMEI) number. While hardly 100% foolproof or effective in preventing unauthorized use, if a GSM phone owner loses their device or the device is stolen, the victim can contact the cellular vendor and provide the IMEI number and request the phone be blocked from usage by anyone else. This usually only works in the country where the phone was originally sold, and there are allegedly ways to reprogram the original IMEI number to a new one (but not legally and not without great difficulty and costly equipment). Nevertheless, it’s a good immediate response to prevent someone from using your device after a theft or while you try to recover it.

(Note: this means you should make a record of the IMEI and the cell’s serial number and model when you buy it).

Apple, however, is looking out for their users, and they plan on utilizing some truly creepy features on their devices. The goal is to make certain the the device is being used by an “authorized” user. A short list of these “features” includes:

“…a microphone operable to record the voice of the current user…to…compare the recorded voice with voice prints of authorized user of the electronic device; and determine that the recorded voice does not match the voice print of any authorized user of the electronic device…”

“…a heartbeat sensor operable to detect the heartbeat of the current user…to…compare the detected heartbeat with heart signatures of each authorized user of the electronic device; and determine that detected the heartbeat does not match the heart signature of any authorized user of the electronic device…”

“…a camera operable to take a photograph of the vicinity of the electronic device; and positioning circuitry operable to determine current location information of the electronic device; and wherein the processor is further operable to: geotag the photograph by associating the photograph with the current location information…”

“…an electronic device comprising; an input device operable to receive a password provided by a user; a camera operable to take a photograph of the user; a processor operable to: determine that a predetermined number of incorrect passwords have been successively received; direct the camera to take a photograph of the user; and generate an alert notification in response to the processor determining, wherein the alert notification comprises information related to the identity of the user and the photograph of the user; and communications circuitry operable to transmit the alert notification to a remote device….”

“…wherein the alert notification is transmitted via one of text message, facsimile, VoIP application, instant messaging application, on-line profile application, on-line blog application, and a cloud server…”

Let me sum up…

You buy an iPhone. You then will be required (I assume this will be a requirement) to submit, to Apple or their agent, digital prints of your speaking voice, a photograph of your face, recordings of your heartbeat, and, apparently, photographs of locations you hang out at, in addition to sample ambient sounds and vibrations from said hangouts, in addition to other possible identifying factors. Apple is going to store all these things on some server, and when they’re suspicious of the person who happens to be using your phone, they’re going to activate all these tools, gather some biometric information and compare what they get to what they have in storage.

What could possibly go wrong?

And I suppose if it ain’t you holding the phone when the Apple police arrive, you’re going to wind up strapped to a table next to poor old Winston Smith, waiting for some shock treatment to get you right in your mind.

My first question would be: what if more than one person uses my phone? What if I loan the phone to my wife, my daughter, a friend? Does this unexpected change in voice patterns indicate some foul play afoot? Am I going to be forced to bail my wife out of the joint because I made the boneheaded decision to loan her my iPhone?

Naturally, the truly frightening aspect to this is the idea that all this biometric information is stored on some server that can be reached in seconds using the cellular phone networks. What are the chances that those servers aren’t going to be the targets of attacks by people seeing to steal some identifying information about Apple customers?

What I find particular disconcerting is that there are three people listed on the patent application as developers of these ideas and concepts. I can’t imagine that they didn’t sit down and discuss these ideas and plans without some chill running up their own spines about the invasion of privacy all this “security” is going to provide.

However, here is the most frightening things of all: millions of Apple iPhone users will likely think this is a terrific idea, and will gladly upgrade their current, non-spying-capable iPhone to the latest Big-Brother-Is-Calling device the moment it’s released to the public. Trust me, people will beat the doors down at the local AT&T store to get one. And at full price, too.

My “tiring memes” entry.

While wasting valuable time browsing the web last night, I saw an article headline that deeply struck my annoyance nerve. I began wasting time thinking about how the web has created so-called “memes” that repeat themselves, vanish for a while, then return, as though it was the first time they appeared. Including the word “meme.”

I wasted even more time compiling a short list, to which I invite my reader to add additional items:

  1. The Internet or the web are “dead”. Recently dragged up again by Wired, a normally-sensible publication. Of course, they differentiate between the “web” and the “Internet” (there is a difference). We keep hearing about the death of one or the other, as though we’re all eventually going to have telepathic chips embedded in our brains, mitigating the need for computers, smart phones, iPads, etc. Yuk.
  2. This is the year of the Linux Desktop! Any long-time open source or Linux advocate will tell you they’ve heard this one a billion times. Here’s a trick: enter the words “year of the linux desktop” into a Google search. You’ll get about 6 million results. Most will tell you how this is the year, finally, that Linux breaks through on the desktop (whatever that’s supposed to mean), while a significant chunk of them will tell you why it won’t happen this year or why it won’t happen at all, while not really mattering anyway.
  3. Articles on entertainment or gossip websites that refer to Kim Kardashian as a “starlet”. I happened to see her described with that work in a web headline yesterday. Can someone please explain to me what, other than a reality show, has Ms. Kardashian or any of her bimbo clan actually starred in? Appearing on TV in a program that documents the shallowness of your privileged lifestyle doesn’t make you a “starlet.” Having no body hair doesn’t count, either.
  4. How Americans have a “problem” with one thing or another. This week, it’s Muslims. Objecting to a mosque two blocks from where radical Muslims (practicing their religious beliefs) murdered nearly 3000 people indicates we have a “problem.” The list of apparent “problems” we Americans have can be pretty long. I don’t know about the rest of you, but not liking something doesn’t indicate the presence of a “problem.” I don’t like car accidents; this doesn’t mean I have a “problem” with cars.
  5. Blog articles that gripe about or praise something in order to start a “meme”. You know, like this one. Wasted enough time yet?

You can learn a lot from insignificant rock stars.

No, this isn’t a story about Sheryl Crow and her recycled toilet paper. I’m saving that one for tomorrow. Hell, how many of these do you expect me to do in one day? I’m supposed to be working.

This tale is even more interesting than someone as D-List as Crow. My amazement at the brilliance of some celebrities never ceases. The latest example of deep philosophical thought comes from the fertile mind of one John Mellencamp, who I was surprised to see was still making recordings, let alone doing something that would attract any media attention. The article mentions that Mellencamp has stayed in his native Indiana because he claims that “he never fit in elsewhere.” Based on some of the comments he made, it’s evident that John needs to get out more.

First, he introduces the world to a new cultural/ethnic group, “the China-Russians or something.” Either he’s either been in the basement too long, or the rest of us have completely missed the merger and acquisition of Russia by the Chinese, or of China by the Russians, or however it happened. This new union has produced a race of people who apparently are, as Mellencamp puts it, “some smart people,” since they’re going to come up with a way to take down our “power grid and financial system.” Using the Internet, no less. I know about Internet security issues; it’s part of what I do for a living. But I’m unaware of this new race of super-brilliant people tearing down our global information grid. We are able to protect some stuff, John.

He then makes the allegation that the music and movie businesses are going to be destroyed by the Internet, which is as dangerous as an “atomic bomb.” He uses the iPod and digital music files as an example of this coming annihilation:

For starters, the popularity of digital downloads, which fans listen to on their MP3 players and computers, has come at the expense of sound quality, he said.

He recalled listening to a Beatles song on a newly remastered CD and then on an iPod, and “you could barely even recognize it as the same song. You could tell it was those guys singing, but the warmth and quality of what the artist intended for us to hear was so vastly different.”

Maybe John didn’t read the news about young people and their hearing today. The quality of MP3s won’t matter soon, since they’re all going deaf anyway.

But let’s get a bit serious for a second. I can’t believe I have to explain this to someone who actually works in the music industry. John, why do you think those digital files sound like shit? Well, you can blame it on the compression methods used by distributors, both the MP3 format and the Apple-centric AAC format. Both methods are forced to compress the size of the file digitally, decreasing the dynamic range of the music (among other things) and affecting how we hear it, especially in an environment like a set of earbuds.

Perhaps John hasn’t been informed that a “lossless” compression method (such as my favorite, the completely free FLAC format would go a long way to preserving that sound he enjoys so much.

Then in an honestly self-effacing way, he informs us that what we listen to today will eventually be forgotten:

At any rate, most rock ‘n’ roll — including his own contributions — will eventually be forgotten, he said, likening its demise to that of big-band music, which was all the rage during the 1930s and ’40s.

“After a few generations, it’s gone,” he said. “Rock ‘n’ roll — as important as we think it is, and as big as it was, and as much money as people made on it, and as proud as I am to say that I was part of it — at the end of the day, they’re gonna say: ‘Yeah, there was this band called the Beatles, and the Rolling Stones, and this guy named Bob Dylan…’

“And the rest of us? We’re just gonna be footnotes…”

Let me see if I have this correct? Generations from now, people are going to forget the Beatles, the Stones, Dylan? Really? I have a question: have we forgotten Mozart? Beethoven? Brahms? We’re quite a few generations removed from those guys. As for big-band music, I have a really wonderful recollection of that era, guys with names like Basie, Ellington, James, Goodman and Calloway. I will bet Mr. Mellencamp that I have a far greater recollection of their music than I do of any of his songs.

Perhaps it never occurred to him that the depth, quality and substance of your creations are what make you memorable to successive generations of listeners. Apparently, he doesn’t see his own contributions in that way. I agree with him. I can remember exactly one line from “Jack and Diane.”

One of the criticisms of modern life (something with which I agree) is that we allow life to pass by too quickly. Young people, we older folks complain, have such short attention spans and can barely remember something of substance they read yesterday. Kids today don’t give things a chance to sink in, they don’t see the connections between what’s happening today and what occurred in recent history.

Right on cue, Mellencamp comments on something that occurred at a church where he recorded his more recent music:

Mellencamp recalled that he and his wife Elaine even got baptized at the church. “For about a half hour I really felt uplifted. It wore off,” he said.

Gee, John, I don’t suppose the two of you might have given the baptismal blessings a chance to work, did you? Getting baptized isn’t like having a few beers while watching your team win a football game — the feeling is not supposed to wear off by the morning, like a hangover. Baptism, no matter what faith or denomination has provided it, is the beginning of a different way of life.

However, I think I know how he feels. He forgot his baptism pretty quickly, the way many of us forgot most of his music right after we heard it.

Pat Condell sums it up perfectly.

Pat Condell, an Irish-born satirist and comedian, addressed the Ground Zero Mosque issue back in June, long before it became the Big Effing Deal/Major News Story that it is now. I’ve had some discussion about this with others, and what I’ve said about it is…well, what the hell, spend five minutes reading some posts here and you can probably figure that out for yourself.

But Mr. Condell articulates his position so well, with both alacrity and sensibility, I wouldn’t even try to express my opinion. In fact, I wouldn’t even try to repeat or summarize what he says.

Trust me when I tell you that this is six minutes of video you must watch. Please.