Attaboy

I received an interesting offer in my e-mail this morning. A very nice fellow named CECIL CHUKWUDEME offered me the opportunity to share in a large sum of money. Allegedly, he and his “partner” somehow discovered this money lying unclaimed in a bank in Togo, a small nation on the western coast of Africa.

Now, Cecil and his partner apparently plan to steal this unclaimed money, as it allegedly belonged to someone who’s dead and had no family to lay claim to the funds. I’m not so sure I want to get involved in such dealings, but I do have the opportunity to earn 30% of $28 million just for coming to their assistance. Cecil seemed pleased to be able to find me:

I am glad to say that with the introduction of internet,I was opportuned and pleasured to have come across your contact through this satellite media.As it may interest you to know.

Hey, Cecil, don’t tell my wife I “pleasured” you. She might get a bit jealous…at least until she sees that $8.4 million sitting in our bank account. Bwahhahahahahaha! Oh, and I don’t use satellite for internet service. I have DSL. I do have a satellite dish, however. DirecTV. Very cool. You should get one after you and your partner get your $16.8 million.

Anyway, I hope Cecil forgives me if I’m a bit unsure about taking part in this transaction. First of all, I hear that there’s a lot of this kind of thing going on in African nations, especially in Nigeria. Since so many African nations are poor, and many African people have a need for this kind of wealth just to survive, I couldn’t help feeling guilty if I were to take part in something so shady. Especially if it takes food out of the mouths of those little kids with the flies on their faces that we see on those Sally Struthers commercials. I would think the better thing to do with this unclaimed money would be to let the government of Togo have it. Then, they can set up some programs to assist their neediest people. After all, I can’t think of a better organization to help the people of any nation than their own government, right? And African governments are constantly learning new ways to help their people, especially in the way they distribute aid provided by other, richer nations like the U.S. I just think they’d find a better use for this windfall.

The other thing that makes me a bit suspicious about this is some of the math Cecil has done in his plans to “move” the money out of Togo:

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitiled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer both local and international like telephone bills,e-mail bills include the documents fees, while 60% will be for me and my partner.

Let’s see: he and his partner get 60% ($16.8 million), and I get 30% ($8.4 million) and he needs $4.8 million for phones, e-mail and document fees? Sheesh, no wonder they’re trying to get the money out of Togo. Those people are ripping you off, Cecil. I thought my monthly DSL bill was high! And let’s hold on another second here…if we’re sneaking this money out of Togo, to whom are we paying these document fees? I didn’t think smuggling $30 million dollars required actually signing off with anyone in any authority. I can understand greasing a few palms here and there. But that’s nearly five million bucks we can split three ways, buddy! I’m beginning to wonder if I can really trust you.

Well, I have to think about this a bit. I’ll let everyone know what I decide. But, if you see me driving around with a new capper on the pickup, you’ll know what my choice was: scoreboard!